40 questions to ask your mom about her life
Forty questions to ask your mom while there’s time to hear the answers, from the question bank Heirleaf uses for people telling their life for a book. Each one asks for a scene rather than a summary, so she can answer in a minute or two, out loud or on paper.
They are written to be asked straight to her: “What did you want to be when you grew up?”
How to ask them
- Ask one or two at a time, over coffee or on a call. Forty in one sitting is an interview, not a conversation.
- Record her voice or write down her exact words, and don't tidy them up. The way she says it is the point.
- Let her skip. The question she skips today she may answer next week.
Where she comes from
- 1Tell me about your father. What was he like?
- 2What did they call you at home?
- 3What did your parents spend their days doing?
- 4How did your parents meet?
- 5If you had brothers or sisters, where did you come among them?
- 6Describe the street where you lived.
Her childhood
- 7Where did you sleep?
- 8What did your family eat on an ordinary weekday?
- 9Tell me about a teacher you remember.
- 10What did you find easy, and what did you find hard?
- 11Who was your best friend?
- 12What frightened you?
- 13What did you do when there was nothing to do?
- 14Tell me about the worst trouble you ever got into.
Growing up
- 15Tell me about the first work you ever did.
- 16When was the first time you felt truly free?
- 17Where did you and your friends get together?
- 18What did you do on a Saturday night?
- 19What did you want to be when you grew up?
- 20What did your family expect of you?
- 21What was it like when you stopped going to school?
- 22Tell me about the first time you fell in love.
- 23Who left a mark on you in those years?
- 24What would you say today to the person you were then?
Love
- 25What did you learn from sharing a life with someone?
Work
- 26What were you especially good at?
- 27If you were starting again, what would you choose?
Her own family
- 28What was each of your children like as a little one?
- 29What have you tried to teach them?
- 30What was hardest about raising them?
- 31How were you like your parents, and how were you not?
- 32What surprised you about them as they grew up?
- 33What would you like them to do differently from you?
Places
- 34Where would you go back to, if you could?
- 35What was it like the first time you lived on your own?
- 36Where did you go to be at peace?
What she has learned
- 37Tell me about something you did that you are still glad about.
- 38What decision changed your life?
- 39What has helped you through the hard times?
- 40What would you tell someone just starting out?
Why these questions work
- One thing at a time
- Each question asks about one thing. Two questions in one get half an answer.
- A scene, not a summary
- “What did your house smell like?” gets a story. “What was your childhood like?” gets “fine”. We ask for a place, a smell, a day.
- Never yes or no
- And never “do you remember…?”, which puts her memory on trial.
- Nothing taken for granted
- No question assumes a partner, children, money or a happy ending. If something doesn't apply, she skips it.
Or let her tell it herself
In Heirleaf she answers these questions and many more, writing or speaking, at her own pace, and her words become a book of her life. Nobody rewrites them. The first three questions are free, and you can give it to her as a gift.